This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
