Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
