apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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