The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
