was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
