I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
