He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
