so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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