I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
