fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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