Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Mom said you looked used
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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