I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
