tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
