Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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