I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
