You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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