I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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