if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
