Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
