If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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