My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
