I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
