the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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