If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
