Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
