The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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