The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
