Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
