My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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