I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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