I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
