Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
