Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
