I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
there is puke in my bra ... again
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
