Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
