Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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