Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
