eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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