well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
