Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
