who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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