I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
