there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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