In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
