Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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