when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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