I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
