And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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