i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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