eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
