true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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